Captain Frances, Chapter 1

Captain Frances, the Notorious, the Ferocious…


A true story.

Oh! By the way when I was in high school, my Mom, being 'on to me' would be cooking dinner in the kitchen and have a nasty, suspicious, totally unwarranted thought. Haaa! The nerve of her! I mean... really!

She would call out to me, "Bob! Are you doing your homework?"
Me, fingers' crossed, from my bedroom, "Yeeessss Mom!"
Mom, "You’re not writing any stories?"
Me, fingers still crossed because I was 'on to her' too, "NOOOOO!"
Mom, being totally on to me, "Are your fingers crossed!"
Me, quick to recover - uncrossing my fingers, "NOOOOO!"

But anyway, as I was saying, before I interrupted myself, back in the ol' Pirate days of sailing, there was this (this is true, remember?) notorious, ferocious, dreadful, awful, ferocious (Did I say that already?) scoundrel named Captain Frances of the 'Lost Islands'. That’s what she said, but she was really from Holland. Wooden cloppity clop clogs an all. She liked her notoriety and constantly desired to embellish it.

She was sooo cruel and sooo mean and every nasty thing. She was an excellent fighter of the first rank and kept her crew in tow. They dreaded her dearly for their own lives and the only reason for which they ventured to be aboard her ship, the Vendetta Magnificent, was because she was the most notorious, ferocious, dreadful, awful Pirate EVER. But, she was a skilled Captain of all the seas, none the less. And her bounty was always great and she was fair in the share.

When Captain Frances, the Pirate born to be, ran away from her Dutch homeland, she left the poor Dutch boy with his finger stuck in the dike. See! She was even awful then!!!! But, back to the story. Throw your cape over your shoulder and tilt your hat back. Okay? One more time! Practice makes perfect!

One day she fought a glorious fight against an eighteen wheelhouse, canon-decked galleon and out of nowhere, an ambush. Two other galleons that suspected her evil ways came to assist in the defense and the newly established odds of victory swung drastically against her and she appeared doomed.

But, before this day, along the Ivory Coast, the Vendetta Magnificent ported to take on goods and stores. An AWOL Frenchman of some skill applied to her ships service as a cook. With him was a parrot whose first name was Catchacatchanocatchme. His last name was Oreyewillbiteyouinthebuttwhenyouarenotloooking.

Catchacatchanocatchme only liked to be sunning himself above board on the main deck, and as the notorious ferocious dreadful awful Captain Frances took a liking for Catchacatchnocatchme, she allowed the Parrott to reside on a perch at the helm, but under one condition. He would be called ‘Pete’. The parrot smiled at the Captain.

Now, back to our story.

But wait! First another important part. See! I almost forgot and without this important part… well, you’ll see!

The Notorious, Ferocious, Dreadful, Awful Captain Frances, though a very skilled fighter was also from a very young age very much attracted to magic. Haaaa! Yes! She learned the art of Magic from the most skilled magicians the world over.

Now Pete was quite a clever bird, and as he was in such a close proximity to the Notorious, Ferocious, Dreadful, Awful Captain Frances, he learned all of these artful designs of deception.

The Captain would entertain the crew on occasion of good spirits and Pete would be there at her side, “Ahhhh, Ahhhh, it’s up her sleeve. It’s up her sleeve!” and the Notorious, Ferocious, Dreadful, Awful Captain Frances, would laugh and pull the object from her sleeve! She would perform another trick, and Pete would call out, “Ahhh Ahhh! It’s under her hat. It’s under her hat!” Of course the crew would double over in laughter! Everyone remained in high spirits! Pete rocking back and forth doing the two step in his glory.

Nooooow, finally back to that dreadful day.

Captain Frances's ship, the Vendetta Magnificent, was blown to smithereens! The Captain hid in the debris of a fallen mast and remained still until the enemy left. When the coast was clear, she pulled herself up on the mast. It is there where Pete found her and he perched himself on the opposite end of the mast.

Captain Frances called out, “Hey Pete! How are you?”

Pete just starred at her and frowned. He would not take his eyes off of Captain Frances. She would call out to him, "Hey Pete! Are you okay." But he remained fixed upon her with a stern look. A week went by. Two weeks! Finally Pete perked up one day saying: “Okay! I give up! What did you do with the Ship.